The Looming Threat of the Humanities Department

Now, if you’re like me, you might have seen Sequoyah’s teaching staff and off-handedly thought, “Wow, there are a lot of Humanities teachers.” This is true: there are a lot of Humanities teachers, seven compared to science and math, each of which have only three teachers. It may seem like a harmless department, being composed entirely of nerds, and you might think that you could probably take them down. But the threat is real.

Simon Listiak ‘23, an advisee of Calina Ciobanu, found the documents seen above after Advisory, where they had apparently been left behind by their advisor, who doubles as the nefarious head of the Humanities Department, and submitted them to the Barefoot Times for further investigation.

Looking through the documents, we learned that the cabal of villainous teachers intend to institute daily reading times and include more words in everything. Their plans as of the discovery of the document were to start off by eliminating all objective truths so that anything that needs to be done has to be executed with rigorous, essay-like argumentation. With such a motion in place, those who wield the great powers of essay writing (e.g. the Humanities teachers) will be seen as gods among mortals, with none daring to stand in the way of their natural takeover.

In response to questioning about the documents, Ciobanu said (in a very suspicious manner, mind you), “The Humanities Department has no plans to take over the school.” While she may think her unconvincing statement will deter us from discovering the truth, we’re not so easily swayed. We contacted our spy within the department, who will remain nameless to maintain their confidentiality, and they revealed the reason behind this impending coup: “In the world, there aren’t many spaces for humanities to flourish like other subjects, so we should at least have the schools.”

Let this article be a warning. The Humanities Department’s plans are already underway, and if we don’t step up to stop them now, soon it may be too late.