An Exclusive View on the Under-explored Complexities of the Only Child

Photo Credit Rachel Youngstrom

The thing I get judged for most frequently in my day to day life (besides the fact that I am a semi-shameful bearer of an Android phone) is being an only child. Oddly, as soon as someone learns of this seemingly irrelevant (at least to me) detail, their opinions about me seem to change, creating a picture in their heads of a spoiled brat. As a person who is often subjected to these assumptions, I know they are far from the truth, so I decided to take a deep dive into the sentiments of only children on how this aspect of their identity shapes their everyday lives. 

To start, I went to a real-life only child, Tingri Monahan ’24. She expressed she is, in fact, quite content with not having any siblings, and that even as a young child she remembers, “I really didn't want [a sibling] because I really liked it. I feel like I’ve always liked being an only child.” Even though, as Monahan pointed out later on, some people beg their parents for a sibling, she enjoyed having the full attention of her parents and not worrying about having their attention split. However, she did mention there is a sort of stereotype that arises: that only children are spoiled and get everything they want. Monahan, as an only child herself, rejects the idea saying these traits usually are more “related to wealth rather than being an only child,” but when people bring up these assumptions, she likes to prove them wrong. For Monahan, if there has been one benefit of not having siblings, it is being included in family discussions and being treated as more of an equal and less like a child. She also expressed that not having other people her age in the household made her much more adept at talking with adults and, in some ways, prefers this type of interaction to that with people her own age. Monahan mentioned that, at family events when she was younger, “I would not want to sit at the kids table. I was really scared of the kids because I was so used to just being around other adults.” When it comes to being an only child, she really enjoys the independence and the close relationship with her parents and she can’t “imagine it any other way.”

I am going to take this moment to insert my own opinions on my personal experiences. I wanted to have another sibling desperately as a kid and in some ways still wish I had one, even though the days of that possibility are long past. In some ways I lament the possible relationship I could have had with another human being in my household where we would tell each other everything and share our troubles, occasionally hiding secrets from our parents. Instead, I am left holding all of it by myself: the pressures to be perfect; the secrets; and the responsibilities. I feel the weight of them all when I think about having to care for my parents later in life by myself, and dwell on that more than I should. Also, as the only grandchild on my dad’s side, this means a lot of attention is placed on me; this is something I hate and know could be avoided if I had a sibling. Sometimes the thought of this non-existent other half keeps me up at night, thinking about how my life could be so different. I know from friends who have siblings that sometimes it feels like the bad outweighs the good, and yet because I have never experienced any of it, it leaves me wondering how bad that really is. Maybe it’s worth it to have one more person to confide in and help you through family gatherings? I still wonder how much of my current self is shaped by my upbringing. But, one thing I have noticed is that I have become very comfortable around adults. Every week I go rock climbing with a group of adults – and I love it. It is the only regularly scheduled social activity I participate in, possibly because people my age terrify me – at least ones I don’t know well. This independence and ability to confide in adults allows me to appreciate the extra time I am able to spend with my parents, without their attention being split. And still, I wonder about that other life I never experienced.     

Thankfully, I know plenty of people who can fill me in, among them Lucy Pettit ’26, who has a younger brother currently in the fifth grade. Well, she hasn’t always had a sibling, as she pointed out, saying, “I was [an only child] for five years” before her brother was born. She really can’t remember that portion of her life well at this point and instead her sibling’s presence seems synonymous with her family and life. She shared some of the pluses of siblings, including helping each other when their parents are mad at them, sharing a laugh, or and having deep, interesting conversations. However, as an older sibling herself, she feels some similar pressures to only children. She has experienced the same high expectations and being the first one to do everything, but also some annoyance with her brother always trailing along. After weighing the positives and negatives, Pettit admitted, “I do wish I were an only child when I need some quiet or when I want to eat fish because he doesn’t like fish.” She also explained her life is very intertwined with the existence of a sibling, and that she has difficulty even picturing life without them. When asked about whether the previously stated misconceptions about only children were accurate in her mind, Pettit stated, “I would say that is definitely a misconception. And as someone who is friends with a lot of only children, I can attest that they are not spoiled brats.” In fact, she continued, “I would say that I have a more difficult time to connect to people who are the younger sibling than I do connecting to people who are the only child.” This brings up an interesting point about the difference between older, younger, middle, and only children and who relates to the others.  

Finally, I wanted to seek out a parent’s perspective, leading to my interview with Donna Youngstrom, a parent of an only child and a science teacher at Sequoyah School’s K-8 campus. Compared to her childhood growing up with two older brothers, she commented that with her daughter, “there’s more interaction with the parent, me. I interacted a lot with my brothers who liked to teach me things.” This increased interaction with her daughter, Rachel Youngstrom ’26, is not one that she experienced growing up. The only part of her upbringing that resembled that of an only child was after her brothers moved out and she was alone with her parents for five years. Her daughter as a child did wish for siblings, but Youngstrom lamented that this was not possible, stating, “I wish she had another sibling.” This brings up another aspect of the topic of only children. For parents who cannot have multiple children, this topic can be a semi-melancholy one. From what I have gathered, however, they deeply appreciate being able to give their full attention and resources to supporting their only children.  

Family life is incredibly foundational in people’s development. It seems we all wish in some ways to have a different family structure than we do, with more or less siblings, at least according to the limited number of people interviewed. I will note that I did only talk to a very small demographic of people who happen to live in Southern California, and views on this might differ depending on the region or culture. At the same time, there is a specific connotation to the phrase “only child” that leaves the listener with a sense that this family is incomplete in some fundamental way. But, as the years have gone on, our opinions about family structure in the United States have shifted, moving away from attitudes reinforcing these connotations of the word. This may not be the most important issue facing our world today, but it is one that should be considered as we think about what makes a family, and as we consider and imagine the complex and varied forms that families can take.