Ask Julia 4: One of my friends recently became friends with someone I hate and I’ve been trying to exclude the one I hate but my friend keeps bringing them over. What should I do?

One of my friends recently became friends with someone I hate and I’ve been trying to exclude the one I hate but my friend keeps bringing them over. What should I do?

First of all, hate is a strong word. There are very few good reasons to hate someone. Personally, I don’t think I know anybody I actually hate. Maybe some politicians, but not anybody in my personal life. You don’t have to be friends with, or even like, everybody you know. There are always going to be people who you don’t get along with, but you have to learn how to tolerate them, assuming they haven’t done anything that truly merits hatred. 

You can ask your friend if you can spend some time with them one-on-one, but you don’t get to dictate when and where they bring their other friend. It is not your place to exclude this person. Exclusion is almost never an acceptable behavior. You don’t have to engage with them, but you can at least be respectful. Suppress your feelings and offer an occasional “yeah, totally.” If you don’t feel like that is a possibility, it is your responsibility to remove yourself from the situation. I don’t recommend this. Instead, learn to live with a little discomfort. 

I often hear people say that a partner isn't supposed to complete you, but to be a complement to you. What do you think of this? Is it not healthy to have a relationship in which people complete each other and are the main source of each other's happiness?

I think that people definitely need to have their own identity and sense of self, independent from their partner. The person that will always have the greatest control over your happiness is you. That’s not to say that you can’t draw happiness from your partner, but you can’t pin everything on one person. For one thing, if you break up, your only source of happiness will suddenly be gone. Additionally, being too dependent on your partner for happiness can put a lot of strain on your relationship. You should never expect to get everything from one person, whether that be your partner or not. We all need multiple people to be close to. That’s what friends are for!

Another thing to consider is the possibility of a codependent relationship. Codependent relationships are when one partner gives all they can, to the point of detriment to themselves, and the other partner, who is dependent, just takes. This often occurs when the dependent person has substance abuse issues, but there can be other causes. Codependent relationships are harmful to both partners. The giving, or enabling, partner may neglect other areas of their lives, such as school or their friendships. The dependent partner may be unable to find comfort or joy from anywhere besides their partner. This isn’t necessarily your situation, but either way, remember that you are the one in charge of your own happiness.

There's a person at school that I have a crush on, but I don't know whether to ask them out. I know that I'm interested in having a relationship with them, that's not the problem. The problem is that I understand we're high-schoolers and relationships aren't always meant to last. Additionally, the fallout from such a circumstance can be bad for a friend group and can be very uncomfortable. Is the risk of creating such a circumstance worth asking them out?

A relationship doesn’t have to ‘last’ to be valuable. Making connections with people is important, even if those connections shift or end. I will admit that a breakup can make things awkward in a friend group, but people get over it. It’s always important to remember that everyone has their own stuff going on, and they’re a lot less concerned about your drama than you think they are, even at an extra gossipy school like Sequoyah. You don’t want to look back at your high school experience and have regrets over what might have been. You’re only young once, and all that. Ultimately, the risk is yours to take or not, but I think that there’s a good chance the potential reward wins out.

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