Welcome to Unsolicited Musings and the Like

Designed by Sophia Schafer-Wharton ’26

Greetings, reader of The Barefoot Times! I have two guesses why you’re here and reading this inaugural entry in my new humor column: you’re procrastinating because you don’t want to do math review, or you’re a friendless nerd with no social life.

Just kidding! I’m a nerd, too—and for much of my life, I was a friendless one. It gets better, guys. You will find your people. (As long as you’re okay with them being imaginary.)

Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself here. Welcome to “Unsolicited Musings and the Like,” the humor column where I’ll dispense witty nuggets of sage advice interspersed with a lot of digressions. If you’re wondering who I am, my name is Lucy and I’m a dedicated Times staff writer. And, by dedicated, I mean I show up to class.

“Unsolicited Musings and the Like” is supposed to be a new beginning, but we say that every year at the start of Gryphon Media Company, and still nobody reads our articles. This column is really a last-ditch effort to up our readership. Soon, we might have to start giving people food vouchers to Panda Express just to read The Barefoot Times—a phenomenon not unheard of in recent history. But the Times is aiming to diversify its readership—perhaps where the press leads, the institution shall follow. We’re looking for student input: what do you want to see reported on? (Nothing politically impactful, please—we’ll have to take it down.) Do you want to see topics personally relevant to you reflected in this outlet for student journalism? Come find me and let’s chat! We’d love to incorporate you, but you may have to submit to the third degree by any higher-ups critical of your ideas. And, if you want to publish your creative work, too bad! Our recently established Arts section has already lost its place on our website.

Anyway, I’m wrapping up this introduction to my column because I know no self-respecting teenager will read more than five paragraphs because high school has spoiled pleasure reading, and we’re now soulless husks of ourselves. How can this be addressed? Clearly, by taking our phones away. Long live Big Marc and Big Sean!

And with that, I’m out. See you next time!